This story is sad because it shows how we can at times undervalue other’s faith or religious practices. Why? Immaturity? Strong belief in our own faith that leaves little room for other’s faith? Whatever the reason, this story about three LDS missionaries in Colorado who vandalized and made light of Catholics makes me cringe.

According to the story the missionaries posted pictures of themselves on Photobucket, incriminating themselves a few years later, after someone discovered them.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been in the MTC to remember how much we talked about showing respect for other’s beliefs. Even I remember poking fun of the half-buried bathtubs painted blue with virgin Mary statues in them. I have a picture of me and my companion kneeling by one with our hands in a prayer pose. This is mild compared to this story but I think it was unChristian and unthoughtful of us nonetheless.

When you’re an official representative you can do a lot of harm to the church by your example. I’ve since read that the missionaries didn’t really harm any of the shrines. However, the news was everywhere.

Last night I had dinner with a couple who are devote Catholics and they spend most of their retirement serving in the church and learning about the gospel. I was inspired by their devotion.

Sometimes I think missions keep a lot of young men from getting in a lot more trouble. They are sacrificing their life. It’s asking quite an unselfish act at a very self-centered time of life. Still, this is a story I hate reading and wish it was one of good report.

It’s only been a few hours since I heard that President Gordon B. Hinckley died. I was at a fireside and I overheard someone telling us about it when it was announced publicly to the entire group. The room went silent for several minutes. When I got home I checked the church web site, then CNN, then the NY Times. I read what my friends put on Twitter and Facebook. I learned that the Greek Orthodox church also lost their leader today, he was much younger, 69 I think.

President Hinckley is so beloved. I thought of him as our single prophet because his wife died about four years ago. I wonder how challenging it was to be the prophet without that companionship and support. I looked up Gordon B. Hinckley in Wikipedia and this is what it said first: This article is about a person who has recently died. Reading that made my heart sank for a moment.

President Hinckley became prophet at age 84 and he died at age 97. He’s the oldest prophet we’ve ever had. I wondered also how it is to keep that kind of schedule when you’re that old. But he handled it with grace. He seemed younger than he was because he had a young and playful spirit.

I’m so used to him being our prophet that it’s a little tough to believe he’s really gone. I’m not sad but I have a deep feeling of respect and honor for his work and legacy. He’s a legend. I was actually sad when Howard W. Hunter died so quickly after becoming prophet. I had a testimony of him and adored him and it was unexpected that he died so soon after becoming prophet.

The church will still run and we’ll get another prophet (Thomas S. Monson most likely) but I’ll never forget President Hinckley and the impact he had on my life.

I went to a lovely wedding reception this weekend. It was plain to see how in love and how deeply happy and satisfied the new couple are. It was affirming to me. I love to see a good match. I remember them as beacons of what can happen, to remind me of the dream of romantic love.

However, the bride’s roommates were in a different state of mind. One in particular looked more and more miserable as the night wore on. I wanted to hug her and tell her it can’t be that bad. They were not truly happy for their friend. They were jealous. They couldn’t be happy with someone else’s happiness because it only reminded them of their own loss.  In other words, they made it about them and being self-centered never made anyone happy.

Still, this isn’t uncommon and I’ve felt it in other areas of my life. I’m struggling financially and my friend calls and tells me her husband’s employer gave them a new BMW. Rather than being happy for them my thoughts turned sarcastic. I started complaining to myself about their good and my bad fortunes (murmuring I think it’s called).

I want to hear your thoughts on this. What can you do when something you so desperately want doesn’t come your way? What if it comes to the person you’re closest to? Not only do you not get married, but your friend is not going to be spending the time with you that they used to. Their life is changing and yours isn’t.

When I find myself obsessing about me, it usually signals that it’s time to widen my world by focusing on how I can contribute. I give service and see how I can help someone else. How about you?

You must listen to this video by Helen Fisher, an anthropologist who studies romantic love through the ages. She says love is a universal human drive. It’s stronger than the sex drive, thirst or hunger, maybe even stronger than the will to live. She probes into why we choose one partner over another. She’s so upbeat and also smart. This is not a church talk so expect frank talk and issues that differ from our beliefs.

She looked at the brain of people who were in love and speaks about how love certainly is a drug. It motivates you to action. It can be obsessive - people think and think about the person they are in love with. People will die and even kill for love. Romantic love is not an emotion or a series of emotions like we often think of it being. Instead it’s a drive and comes from the craving part of our mind, one that takes action (one that can be addicted). It’s a motor.

I like to think that’s why sacrifice is part of love or giving, it’s because love calls us to do things and is not passive. Why? One reason is because of biology - it takes a lot of energy and resources to have children, so you have to have something that drives you past your own selfishness to being willing to take on increased responsibilities.

There are songs, poems, novels, sculptures, paintings, myths, and writings about love. Interestingly enough, she says the widespread, long-term use of antidepressants may undermine natural attachment because it messes with hormone levels in the brain.Here’s my favorite quote:

“Women have never been as interesting as they are now” not at any time on this planet have women been so educated, so interesting, so capable…If there was ever a time in human evolution when we have the opportunity to make good marriages, that time is now.”

Last night it was dinner with the misfit toys (oops, I was watching Rudolph too much). Wait, I mean my new brothers and sister. We’ve managed to cobble together a nice group and I cherish them. We’re starting to feel like family almost. That comfortableness is setting in and I like it. None of the men have been married and we’re all single near the holidays. While we’d like to be married, we’re not wallowing in our singleness.

After dinner we had a white elephant gift exchange. For some reason one participant brought two gifts. This is the second white elephant gift that was truly inspired (a story for another day). I chose the biggest box and unwrapped it. Inside I found a book and it was titled, “How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk.” And yes, it was inspired…because right before the dinner I had an interesting phone call.

My boyfriend of almost 3 months said he wasn’t coming to the dinner and the night before was a disaster so we had some discussing to do. It wasn’t going so well so I gave him an easy out. As in, if you want to end the relationship then end the relationship. He didn’t take it. Later in the conversation he admitted something that has obviously been on his mind for at least a month. He hates my hair, as in really hates it. He said it so forcefully I was standing outside in the cold and I could feel the tears start.

Let me back up. One day I was thumbing through one of those hairstyle books at a salon. I found a hip cut that was blonde and saucy. I decided the next time I wanted to blow a few hundred, I’d get that cut. I told my then boyfriend about it and he couldn’t get it out of his mind. Not only did he support the idea, he offered to pay for the whole thing, no matter what the cost. I thought it was a little early in the relationship for this kind of gift but he persisted until I gave in.

I chose a very expensive salon in Salt Lake since I thought I could trust them to do a good job. Boyfriend came along for part of the experience but then left. I’ll warn you now, don’t ever leave your credit card number with an expensive salon and say, give her what she needs and put it on my bill. The haircut and color alone came to $200. I was in the salon 4 hours. They loaded me up with product and billed it to my boyfriend. That made the total with tip over $400. I’m not kidding. Since he actually said he would pay up to $400 I thought I’d pay some of it and call it good.

However, my hair wasn’t the color in the picture. In fact, it was sort of orange. The salon owner, to her credit, called to tell me she wanted to redo the color. I agreed and spent four more hours the next week trying to come up with a better hue. I did have pictures and although the color did improve it wasn’t what I wanted. Not having 4 more hours to spend, I called it good enough.

The day I went to show the boyfriend my new hair is the day he just barely learned he’d lost his job. He wasn’t in good spirits at all. I very reluctantly told him how much it cost, felt absolutely horrible about it, and handed him some cash. And I took back half the product (that took guts!). I spent the rest of the day consoling him and after that suggesting cheap or free dates and pitching in. He had said he liked my hair, but it’s not true. He hates redheads and he insists I’m now one. Most people would call it blond with some strawberry blond highlights.

So that explains why suddenly he liked talking on the phone but didn’t seem excited to see each other. He really hated it that bad. I learned something too. As I looked over things I was first sad - for a day. But like usual, the sun came up this morning. I sat thinking about the whole thing and how for me, this was the last thing to break what was already showing several signs of not working out (lest you think this act of jerkiness was the only thing on my mind). Instead of being sad, I started to laugh. I laughed out loud for a while.

The book title said it - I avoided marrying a jerk. And I’m getting out of something that like my redish hair, doesn’t work. I’m single this Christmas but I’m also thankful. I could be married. I feel like this funny turn of events showed me what could’ve taken a lot longer to see and instead of tearing me up for a day - would’ve made for an unhappy life.  So if you know anyone who likes redheads, I’m back on the dating scene.

If you live near Salt Lake City, be sure to check out the weekly lunch group. I’ve never been because it’s such a drive, but some day I will live closer and go. Lunch starts at 12:15pm. Everyone pays their own way and you get to meet other singles. I’m assuming they’re mostly professionals but I don’t know. If I go I’ll snap a photo.

8/1/07
La Cai Noodle House
961 S State St
http://utah.citysearch.com/profile/10384488/salt_lake_city_ut/la_cai_noodle_house.html

8/8
Royal Eatery
379 South Main Street
http://utah.citysearch.com/profile/10384523/salt_lake_city_ut/royal_eatery.html

8/15
Avenues Bakery
481 East South Temple
http://utah.citysearch.com/profile/41147923/salt_lake_city_ut/avenues_bakery.html

8/22
Settebello
260 South 200 West
www.settebello.net

8/29
Cedars of Lebanon
152 E 200 S
http://utah.citysearch.com/profile/10384506/

See you at 12:15!

www.slclunch.com

I went to part of the single’s conference - the church and fireside part. I should’ve blogged about it but lately I’ve been blogged out. I get paid to blog and I do more of it than ever. So please forgive me and watch next summer at the LDS Singles site at www.multistakesingles.org for the next one.

Each year I tell myself I’m going to the whole thing and each year I decide not to. Here’s a recap of the day I did go, this past Sunday, June 24, 2007 (I just noticed these posts aren’t dated).

Tip: if you’re speaking to a group of singles who are depressed or mad about their single state, be careful about asking them to tell you their challenges. I thought this wasn’t going to end…a lot of focusing on what’s wrong with life rather than all the things that are right. You know what is right? you have the gospel of Jesus Christ in your life!!

I just loved the talks, I mean just LOVED them. There was so much doctrine and the words were wise, smart, and insightful. But what was really there is the spirit. And this time it felt so loving, just an abundance of love. Brother Eyre talked about the facets of Christ - his chrisma, his friendship, his love. The restored gospel of Christ gives the world more information about who the Saviour is. He told a particularly moving story about a woman and her dream.

The woman drempt she was transported to a place and gradually realized that she was in the presence of Christ. She started to fill herself with dread thinking that he would see her. And when he saw her he’d see all of her flaws, her weaknesses, her mistakes, and everything she could see that she didn’t want anyone else to see about her. She wanted to hide but she knew he would look and her and know her. When he did look at her something totally unexpected occurred. Instead of feeling judged or inadequate all she felt was love. He just loved her.

I realized that about Christ - that he really is interested in loving us. He is love. It’s a moving to experience the strength, purity, and power of it. It’s both expansive and so individual at the same time.

There’s much more I could write about but my overall impression was deep worship and gratitude for Christ - or love. In every single talk and comment I could feel it.

The other speaker, a dapper 76 year old (I’m sorry I can’t recall his name) spoke about parables - including the Good Samaritian. You know who that represents? Christ.

The world leaves us wounded and half dead, like the man left to die. Everyone passes by, even those who almost stop (members of the church) keep going. Ultimately the Samaritan comes to our aid. He pays the price to heal us and then he’ll come again to stay and settle all debts in our behalf. There’s much more to it, but it gave me insights.

This year I’ve focused more on the parables than ever. It all seemed so apparent when he spoke about it but I hadn’t considered it as he explained before. Did you get that? He paid the price to bind up our wounds and take care of us. That’s good news for everyone because he is an amazing healer if we accept the help.

The fireside was incredible. Elder Bateman handled everything with grace. He talked about our bodies, light, and creation. Beautiful topics. Another way of talking about marriage and family than I’ve heard.

If I’m still single next year I promise to attend more of the conference. Perhaps I’ll have the courage to go to the dance. Everyone looks so old to me. It’s just not my scene. But it doesn’t matter, at least there are LDS singles to meet and talk with. I don’t have to drive hours to find people who share my values.

Oh, and I got asked at the fireside. I don’t think that’s happened before. It’s strange to flirt at church but it worked and it was a wonderful day.

People can go on and on about their life. Drama. Stories. At Landmark they teach you about sharing - that when you speak it could be a contribution to another people’s life. Instead of being about yourself and feeling sorry for yourself or all sorts of other things.

I found a blog that is fun, not all the stories are, but it’s so brief. Your life in one sentence. Most of the stories on the blog aren’t ones of happy lives. If you could sum your life up in just a sentence, what would it be? Or how would you sum up your job? Or your faith? Please contribute. Let me see your life in a sentence.

Humor me. Leave a comment.

I have had a bad string online lately. I’m on an LDS dating site. I guess I assume we share similar values but it’s not always so. The last few chats start out the same way. The guy starts to say how attractive I am and the conversation quickly moves towards wanting to meet me. And other things. Each time I’m thinking, they are not really going to go there are they?? But they do.

Is it because I’m a single mom and they think that I’m lonely or desperate? Or maybe they’ll just try anyone who is willing to talk with them? I know it’s not just men, women can be the same way. I expect it on Match.com or other dating sites. I expect it some on any site. I’m just not expecting it so frequently on an LDS site. Call me naive, but it’s disheartening.

Please don’t send me suggestive pictures. Please don’t suggest that you, a perfect stranger, come to my house late at night. It’s not attractive. It’s hollow and shallow. I know there are plenty of quality singles who live the gospel. In fact, I have dated some. But for the first time in years, I wonder if I should try to meet people in real life and step away from internet dating.
What kind of experiences have you had with online dating?

I see this more and more. I think we live in a world that is easy to fake connectedness to other people, but tough to find it in real life. That’s because we text message, IM, and otherwise communicate and feel close. But we’re sitting at home alone!

Here’s how the cycle of loneliness goes:

1- Meet someone you like and start dating

2- Dating gets more serious and you spend almost all of your time together

3- Your friends stop inviting you to do things (assuming you had a social group before!) because you say no so you can spend time with your girlfriend/boyfriend

4- Your world gets smaller as your love meets most of your social and emotional needs

5- Something happens and you decide to break up

6- You miss them terribly because your life is now somewhat empty

7- It’s easier to go back to them than have the faith to start over rebuilding a social life (not a dating one, a group of friends)

8- You start a series of breaking up and getting back together…each time you feel lonely you call them or accept contact from them because it beats being lonely

9- You get stuck - some people stay essentially alone for months or years, not really ever taking responsibility or reaching out to build a network of close friends.

10- I think this is sad and we need to do deliberate things to overcome it.

Here are some ideas: don’t wait for someone else to do something, start right away by realizing it’s up to you to connect with others. It’s an important part of your life and health.

I joined a gym so I could hang out with other women when I exercise. I make it a point to talk to at least 2 people each time I go.

I’m organizing a Sunday singles dinner on fast Sundays for our ward. I’m pro actively trying to reach out to people that will be there regardless what happens in my dating life.

Commit to yourself to interact with others more often. Be specific and even if you don’t feel like doing something social, do it anyway. Be the first to say hello and be friendly. I love the book, “The Likability Factor” because it gives concrete ways that help you be more likable. The good news is the more liked you are the more success you’ll find in your personal and professional life.
Pray for ease and ideas when you feel stuck. Ask for help making new friends and for strength to move forward when you’re stuck in the past. Picture the apostle Peter walking on water then sinking and calling out for the Saviour. When you feel yourself start to sink, call to him.
I still haven’t been able to stomach going to single’s events…they just creep me out most of the time. However, institute classes are an exception. Since they are spiritually-based I know I’ll always get something out of it and there is not a pick up vibe there.

Does this ring true for anyone else? What have you done to move forward and break the loneliness cycle?