I learned something from Paul Wilson that I thought was so valuable that it changed the way break ups went for me. Usually I told the person as gently as possible that I wanted to end the relationship and after one talk or call, considered it over. I figured it was the other person’s job to work through the breakup emotionally. But I confided in Paul that I thought a recent breakup was difficult for my former boyfriend. He gave me some advice that I didn’t like and wasn’t going to follow. But after he explained it, I decided to try out his ideas.

When possible, let the person know that you are willing to talk about the breakup. Let them ask questions and be willing to listen. Be clear that you’re not discussing how to get back together, but you want to be supportive. You are doing them a kindness and the reward is that it provides closure for you too. Tell them you’re available to discuss it again a few more times if they still need to talk.

So that’s what I did. We had one good discussion and then an email. One of the last questions he asked me was to tell him why I loved him. That was easy! I had many reasons. His reply made me think that he understood that I meant it. I felt peaceful and calm knowing that I think he stopped doubting my sincerity. I think it helped both of us.

I hate breaking up or being broken up. Since I know myself well, I can usually tell if a few months if a relationship will work or not. Thanks to Paul for encouraging me to try his way - I wish all breakups were like this.

It’s been some time since he wrote, but my friend Paul is getting married. Paul is a close and dear friend who I’ve confided in about relationships and life for the past several years. I’ve seen God’s hand work in his life and now in this path towards marriage. Honestly, I don’t think Paul ever wanted for dates. The women he dated were gold, yet it never seemed he could find the right person for him.

Paul turned 30 this year. He got over a past relationship that he had held onto for a long time. It helped that his former girlfriend got married but I remember wondering if he’d ever be able to let go completely. One irony about this journey is how Paul preferred to date women older than he is. However, in the end he’s going to marry Lindsey - and she’s much younger (she’s 19). I know what you’re probably thinking. I would usually agree but I’ve had a front row seat in this and I think they will create a happy marriage.

The part I love about this story so far involves a blog.  Paul and I were running a business together and it took some hits and our income dropped. His relationship with Lindsey was going well and it looked like he would need to buy a ring soon. Last year I finally convinced Paul to blog. He worked hard at it and built it up. Recently someone he knew offered to buy it from him and they worked out a deal. That’s how Paul got the money he needed for his ring. Isn’t that romantic?

They met when Paul couldn’t find a ward he was going to so he visited a single’s ward on a whim. It was testimony meeting and he as he loves to do, he bore his testimony. Lindsey was spotlighted in the program that day. He showed me the next day and we laughed about it (because it was so strange to see a single’s ad on a sacrament meeting program). She came up to talk to him after the meeting. He found out she was on Facebook. When he saw her profile he realized she was probably much younger than he thought. Eventually, he decided to ask her out anyway…

Paul has since gotten a job, bought the ring, and proposed. Their marriage is the end of May. I adore both of them. It’s affirming to see how this has unfolded. So, best of wishes and congratulations to my two friends!

I got a kick out of this post by my friend Paul who has blogged on this blog before. Paul and I just bought the ldsfriends web site. Eventually we’ll integrate this blog onto the site.

The story is about a running joke between two single friends. It started with a pact that if both Paul and Brenda reached the old age of 30 and neither was married, they’d marry each other. Paul turns 30 this year. Brenda is an attorney and talks about how she expects a man she marries to earn good money. Men expect her to be skinny (I don’t know her and this is not her real name).

Here’s what she said:
“Blog this! If guys expect me to be a size 6 what’s wrong with me expecting 6 figures!”

Go read the whole story on Paul’s blog - which I believe you’ll enjoy anyway.

I think I’m nicknaming this series the compassionate break-up. How to break up without breaking hearts. Paul first talked about communicating, then having patience, then setting appropriate boundaries.

This is the last installment about breaking up. Each time I talk to a former boyfriend he reminds me how I dumped him. Not once, but twice. I don’t think I do a very good job of it.

Here’s Paul’s take:

Decisiveness – The principle of decisiveness lies upon a very fine line, and is often a difficult concept to live. It’s not just being decisive in your decision to break off a relationship. It’s being decisive in allowing the other person find closure for themselves.

My friend Rachel is a great example of someone who has mastered the art of decisiveness.

She dated Jim for several years. When they finally decided to end the relationship it was quite difficult for both sides. Rachel felt strongly that even though she cared for Jim it wasn’t right. However, Jim didn’t feel the same way, he wanted very much to marry Rachel.

As they worked through their break up Rachel was very firm in her convictions, and would not budge on what she felt. Yet, Rachel told Jim that even though she wouldn’t call or email him that she wouldn’t put these same restrictions on him. If he felt he needed to talk to her she would listen.

This may sound like a double standard. But I believe Rachel understood that just closing herself off to Jim after several years of being close may cause more damage than help. Obviously, this principle of decisiveness only works in healthy relationships. Rachel knew Jim well enough that she wasn’t worried about him abusing this offer.

Rachel has since told me that Jim has talked to her only twice since they broke it off. He is now dating and seeing someone else.

Tip: When ending a relationship, you may be able to stay available to the other person on limited terms. This can help ease the transition as you separate.

This is the second installment from Paul about breaking off a relationship. Breaking up is difficult for most - the one breaking it off and the one who doesn’t want the relationship to end. Here’s Paul’s wise words, from experience I’m sure.

Patience - Breaking up is not an event it’s a process. Even if you can see a break up on the horizon if you’re not the person calling it quits you probably have some emotional catch-up to do. They may not be ready or understand why the break up needs to happen. You’ll need to be patient while they come to terms with the news.
I learned this when I broke up with Becky. I had come to the conclusion that we weren’t right for each other much sooner than her. When I finally mustered the courage to talk to her about it I had already spent hours analyzing and coming to terms with my feelings.

When we had the DTR (Destroy the Relationship), Becky didn’t respond. Five hours after our conversation I received a text message asking if we could talk again.

My first impulse was to tell her that I didn’t want to, but Becky and I had been friends for some time. I knew that she deserved my listening ear. However, it didn’t take just two times of us talking to break it off, it took five. Finally, after the fifth conversation Becky was at the level of understanding that I had been at our first conversation.

Becky told me later that after our final conversation she actually felt a spirit of peace confirming what I had felt all along. She contributed these feelings to the long hours we spent trying to understand what each other was feeling.

Tip: It may take some time for the person you’ve been dating to understand and accept a break up. Hopefully, you’ll have a good ending, like this example.

The next installment from Paul talks about being decisive when breaking up.