I’ve been thinking about this topic lately. I realized that so often we kill a good thing because it’s not a perfect thing–not yet. We are impatient and want perfect now.

It’s easy to just get frustrated when we discover that every person has their flaws and weaknesses in a dating relationship. I’ve been reading in Doctrine and Covenants the last two months and a reoccurring theme that I’ve noticed is that the Lord gives us answers and instructions line upon line.

We must build ourselves first, line upon line, and then the relationship in the same way.Of course you will need to work out differences and discuss how to deal with issues that arise. Honestly, I think I’d be nervous if I found myself in the perfect relationship with the perfect guy because I’m not quite perfect yet. Instead, it’s so good to find myself at this stage of life—single—so that I have a little more time to prepare myself for marriage.

I can’t help but feel that I need to work my hardest to be the best I can be before I get married. Then when I am I can continue to work on things my whole life through. Marriage relationships are only part of the process—not something that happen after we or our mates have arrived at perfection.

I dated another boy that was tall dark and handsome, but this is basically where the similarities to the first story ends. Goofy but sweet, he followed me around after we’d become acquainted, spending every evening just talking on my porch. Soon this boy and I were great friends which gradually turned into a little summer romance. He and I dated quite some time before we even kissed, and he never pressured me.

I remember one blistering summer afternoon he took me out to lunch on my work break. I had my hair pulled back in a nappy style and hadn’t had time to put on my makeup that morning. I was clean, but I certainly didn’t feel pretty, and I was a little blue over some problems with my car. This boy of mine didn’t probe me to find out what was the matter. He quietly held my hand and simply said, “You are so beautiful. No matter what, you will always be beautiful to me.”

I felt amazing then! He had a way of helping me see past the physical façade. That was just the way he was—simple but sincere. I wouldn’t trade all the suave tricks of the previous relationship for this experience. He made me feel so good about myself, not because he was flattering, but because he was a good person and inspired me to be the same.

So be careful who you date! They will affect you more than you know. It is important to be with someone that values you, but won’t it be so much easier for them to appreciate you if you appreciate yourself? Why should they be convinced that you are a great catch if you don’t believe it, too?

In conclusion, I believe that when you are firmly grounded in knowing who you are and enjoying what you do in life, you are in a position of stability. To be filled with love for another, you can’t have a bitter heart towards yourself.

Get your life straight first—don’t expect someone else to solve your problems for you. Greater happiness lies in the relationship of trust and love built from a healthy love of self that extends outward to love those around you. Be wise in your choice of companions, in friendship and dating, because they do have an effect on the way you view yourself, often times more than you think!

Understanding and loving who you are is a huge part of finding happiness. I talked about my friend Ryan’s expression that he’d only be happy when he is married. I don’t want to completely discredit Ryan’s statement–much of your happiness and self-perception is influenced by those you date. But I want to take the thought a bit further beyond just dating someone. Here’s my little dating lesson for life: be careful who you date! I know from personal experience, the guys I date tend to influence my self-perception and happiness a lot more than I thought it would. Read on for first an example of how much worse my life was with one boyfriend. In the next installment I’ll tell you about someone who made my life better.

Over a year ago I met the most attractive Californian—tall, dark, handsome. He was fresh from his mission with stories of great glory and success: branch president, AP, etc. Added to that, he had charisma, intelligence…wow. So, much to my joy he took an active interest in pursuing me, and I was all for it. We got together, and within the week he was calling me his girlfriend. Just perfect right?

Well, I thought so at first, but then things started unraveling in a way that I didn’t expect. Before we’d been together much, I thought he was so spiritual and nice. But I found in all his charisma and light-heartedness, he’d often joke around with me, and sometimes it was hurtful. I recall being with him and spending many evenings just defending myself because he kept taking punches at my pride and mocking me. “All in good humor” there must be bounds to having fun at another’s expense, and he seemed to overstep them all the time. He was very opinionated and never wrong. Just ask him, never.

Besides belittling me, he often told me that I was irresistible—he just couldn’t get enough. Even though it was by no means a scandalous relationship, it was too much based on physical affection for me. I honestly would’ve preferred to hear that I was beautiful and respectable. I longed to be cherished instead of desired!

The glamour of the mission stories faded as we dated more, and Mr. “I’m always right” ended up being so wrong for me. Our fast and furious relationship ended just as quickly as it had begun; only lasting a few weeks.

So one key to happiness is to be careful who you date. The people you date, and who they really are will have an influence on you.

This is the first installment of a few posts on enjoying being single. I really like what Melissa says and how she’s said it.

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Is single life a terminal illness? Or is it a sentencing to misery? I was talking with my friend, Ryan, recently, and he stated quite emphatically that he would only be happy once he had a girlfriend. I couldn’t help but feel pity for him. Happiness isn’t something that’s derived from another person; it’s something you obtain on your own. Single life is just as wonderful as you choose to make it!

So how can we be so happy single? At least three of my friends got married over Christmas break and three others announced their engagements. Are you curious what I announced? Nothing new as far as my relationship status, but instead I’ve formed a new idea of finding joy in the meantime.

I’ve been pondering lately what makes a good relationship work out—and I’ve seen that for me, much of it happens long before I even meet the guy. It’s what’s going on inside me! Healthy relationships start with a healthy view of self and the ideas and expectations one bring to a relationship.

Most important, singles must be happy before they get into a relationship, because real joy doesn’t just appear as a line-effect of dating. The reality is that sadly, many young adults like my friend Ryan struggle with being solo. Most of that is because they never learned to be happy as themselves. Self-actualization is just part of the process. It begins with understanding exactly who you are, and from there truly enjoying the person you’ve become.

The second step is self-appreciation and is where the hard stuff begins. What if you do understand yourself, but you don’t like what you see? More common than many would like to admit, this is the case. I think unhappy singles feel dissatisfied because they don’t like the person that’s represented in their mirror.

The truth is simple: whether single or taken, everyone still has bouts with insecurity, it just might be felt from a different angel. Another person greatly does influence, but there is no way they can change your self perception completely. This is a choice. You may choose to like or dislike yourself. I promise that this has much more to do with happiness than your involvement with another person.

Introducing our first guest editorial writers: Melissa Ray. I’ll include a bio of Melissa soon. For now, here’s here first article. Please feel free to comment using the “comment” link above.

Imagine this: I’m out with an incredibly hot, amazingly sweet, and an all around good guy. We went to a movie and afterwards sat on my balcony couch and talked about the movie symbols, themes, over-all tone. This handsome boy had nothing intelligent to contribute! I was frustrated. Or I think back on the time that I dated a boy that was so amazing but simply unattractive.
These experiences, and many other dis-jointed dating efforts, have helped me fine-tune what’s important to find in the guy that I’ll be spending eternity with. It boils down to three simple things–I need someone compatible in mind, body, and spirit.
Mind
Is there anything more frustrating than having a conversation with someone who doesn’t seem to have anything to contribute, or to come home at the end of the day and you both want to talk, but the conversation is stuck on the surface? I’m not going to say that I’m this incredible intellectual, but I’m just not interested in a guy that doesn’t take his education seriously. I love talking to a man that’s driven by ambition and loves learning, reading, and growing intellectually. Let’s take an evening conversation to talk about more than just what we did that day; I want to talk about the war in Iraq, the geology of the earth, the philosophies our parents held when raising us, or the beauty of classical literary and musical works.
Body
I’m talking about old fashioned chemistry, heart fluttering, middle-school “I have a crush on you”, type. Okay, don’t try to tell me that I’m just being shallow about this one! In my experience, if I’m not attracted to the guy I’m trying to date it is simply cruel to both of us! I know that everyone is a beautiful person, because we are all God’s children–I really believe that–but I also know that as such, we each deserve to be with someone that appreciates us. It is necessary to find your spouse attractive! Although attraction is a curious thing that seems to grow as you get to know and care about someone, it needs to reach a point that you both find yourselves paired with another that you think is dang attractive!
Spirit
This is my number one, most sought-after trait. I cannot think of anything more crucial than to be dating and married to a man that loves the gospel and will serve the Lord above all else. I’m talking true integrity, a man that understands his role as a Son of God and appreciates mine as a Daughter of the same. It’s the primary factor because if I’m going to take a boy seriously, it’ll be with long-term in mind. In other words, I want to be with a man that’s going to be a lasting, good influence. To steal the favorite quote of Elder Hale’s wife, “Thee lift me, and I lift thee, and we’ll ascend together.” This is ultimately the type of relationship that I want, and it only comes when both are dedicated to living the gospel. It’s important to be with someone spiritually strong.