If you ever go out on a first date with someone who’s been divorced, I have some advice for you. It’s not polite to ask why they got divorced. If they bring it up, feel free to ask questions but let them lead. Sometimes there are nice easy answers why someone was divorced (like he repeatedly cheated). Other times there aren’t.

I find that men who’ve never been married ask this question faster than people who’ve been divorced. I can usually see it coming. Inevitably, it leads to me feeling uncomfortable and judged.  So I learned after a few times to avoid going into such a personal subject before I actually know a person. So I normally say something like “that’s usually a question I answer after I get to know someone better.”

People who have been married usually have a much better feel for when to bring up this question. For me it most often comes up over time. When you’re first divorced it usually comes up fast - because you want to compare war stories. But after a while it seems like a topic you’d rather not talk about very often.

There. Now you know and I feel like Ms. Manners.

Tonight I went out on a double date with another couple. My friend and I had never met the men we went out with. We had dinner together. It was a little awkward because my friend’s date didn’t talk to her very much. So my date, being a gentleman, involved her in the discussion. At the end of dinner the check arrived. Her date didn’t even look at it. My date hesitated a bit and then took the check and paid. So he got the entire bill for the 4 of us. I instantly lost respect for the other man.

My friend and I came up with a solution. Next time we go on a double date we’ll tell the waiter in advance the situation and ask him to split the bill four ways. If the men are gentleman they’ll cover our dinner. If they’re not everyone can pay for themselves. This way there isn’t one large bill for the table and no chance of one person getting left with it.

In the car I apologized and offered to help pay. My date wouldn’t accept anything. Plus he was gracious about it. And he’s hot. And he asked if he could take me out again. I said yes.

Today was one of the strangest first date fiascoes of my life. So a man has been writing me on and off for years. I happen to know that he sends the exact same email to several women. That was the first turn off. He lived in another state and moved here and I emailed him to say hi, welcome to Utah. At some point he decided he really wants to go out with me.

From this point he starts to text messages me sometimes 2 or 3 a day. I rarely respond. When I do I explain how I don’t know him so I don’t text message back and don’t really have the time to keep the conversations going. He writes very long emails and gets mad when I don’t reply to them. I don’t have time or interest in reading them. I don’t respond. That doesn’t work. Finally, I agree to one date. Maybe I’m wrong - sometimes you get an opinion of someone that is quite different than they are in real life. I’m fair and although I had lots of doubts I never felt like he is unsafe or other issues.

He talked about going out several days ago. I don’t hear from him for the last 2. Then today, the day we are supposed to go out things just start to go crazy. After all day of text messages, emails, and even phone calls we don’t have a set time or what we’re doing. I told him several times since he asked, I think he should plan the date.  Even if it’s just dinner at Wendy’s. I don’t really care as long as he plans it. It’s not as if I have high hopes already.

He asked me to drive half way - which presses his luck even further.  He says he can meet at 2pm. I was thinking 1-2 hours max.

The kicker he calls twice while I’m at work and leaves 2 messages. Then he texted me asking why I didn’t answer. I was in the middle of trying to resolve a stressful situation. Then I was in the bathroom. No matter to him though. He demands I answer him when he calls. So I call him about 15 mins later and he doesn’t answer.

How’s that for a lot of drama with someone I don’t even know? For something as simple as a first date.

Sometimes men who’ve never been married don’t seem to understand the life of a single parent. They live in an alternate reality. It’s one in which life revolves around them and it has for years. Life takes this slow pace and it’s all about them. I can’t relate to that.

I canceled the date. I hope not to hear back - ever.

Biggest Dating Turn Off: Talking about your ex (wife or girlfriend) or current dating life while on a date with someone else
Even if you’re not interested in someone it’s unkind to talk about past or current romantic or dating relationships while on a date with them. If both of you are equally interested in talking about it, proceed with caution. In general it’s best not to.

I once met a man for lunch who talked about his ex-wife and his attorney the whole time. I still regret not politely ending the date. Whenever I see him I remember. I feel sorry for other women he dates until he changes and becomes less wrapped up in his ex-wife and his self.
I have 2 end goals in mind with first dates: learn something new (about their profession, life, and about them) or to have fun. Remember you might run into this person again in a different setting (like in a professional environment). If I hit one or both of these goals the date is a success.

TIP: Focus on the person you’re with (even if you determine you’re not up for a 2nd date). Show kindness. If you do date longer you’ll get plenty of time to dwelve into each other’s pasts. In the beginning stick to safer, more general subjects.