I went to a lovely wedding reception this weekend. It was plain to see how in love and how deeply happy and satisfied the new couple are. It was affirming to me. I love to see a good match. I remember them as beacons of what can happen, to remind me of the dream of romantic love.

However, the bride’s roommates were in a different state of mind. One in particular looked more and more miserable as the night wore on. I wanted to hug her and tell her it can’t be that bad. They were not truly happy for their friend. They were jealous. They couldn’t be happy with someone else’s happiness because it only reminded them of their own loss.  In other words, they made it about them and being self-centered never made anyone happy.

Still, this isn’t uncommon and I’ve felt it in other areas of my life. I’m struggling financially and my friend calls and tells me her husband’s employer gave them a new BMW. Rather than being happy for them my thoughts turned sarcastic. I started complaining to myself about their good and my bad fortunes (murmuring I think it’s called).

I want to hear your thoughts on this. What can you do when something you so desperately want doesn’t come your way? What if it comes to the person you’re closest to? Not only do you not get married, but your friend is not going to be spending the time with you that they used to. Their life is changing and yours isn’t.

When I find myself obsessing about me, it usually signals that it’s time to widen my world by focusing on how I can contribute. I give service and see how I can help someone else. How about you?

I found an article about what makes a happy marriage that has some insights that will be helpful in any relationship. One thing it mentions is that to have a strong relationship you must give up:

• Being right
• Controlling another person (this is not Christ’s way, but another’s)
• Unbridled self-expression
• Retaliation
• Withdrawing

I have had the wild ride when it comes to relationships! My ex-boyfriend got into unbridled self-expression and killed the relationship. He detailed four things he wanted me to change - in vivid detail. It was really critical and it left me in shock.

For example, he said I had oily skin!! Now, first I live in Utah, a dry climate that sends me running for the lotion and lip balm. Second, I actually have normal to dry skin. I guess that microderm face treatment I got made my skin a bit too smooth.

For the New Year let’s not focus on how someone can meet our expectations. Instead let’s focus on our relationship skills and what we can do to improve.

You must listen to this video by Helen Fisher, an anthropologist who studies romantic love through the ages. She says love is a universal human drive. It’s stronger than the sex drive, thirst or hunger, maybe even stronger than the will to live. She probes into why we choose one partner over another. She’s so upbeat and also smart. This is not a church talk so expect frank talk and issues that differ from our beliefs.

She looked at the brain of people who were in love and speaks about how love certainly is a drug. It motivates you to action. It can be obsessive - people think and think about the person they are in love with. People will die and even kill for love. Romantic love is not an emotion or a series of emotions like we often think of it being. Instead it’s a drive and comes from the craving part of our mind, one that takes action (one that can be addicted). It’s a motor.

I like to think that’s why sacrifice is part of love or giving, it’s because love calls us to do things and is not passive. Why? One reason is because of biology - it takes a lot of energy and resources to have children, so you have to have something that drives you past your own selfishness to being willing to take on increased responsibilities.

There are songs, poems, novels, sculptures, paintings, myths, and writings about love. Interestingly enough, she says the widespread, long-term use of antidepressants may undermine natural attachment because it messes with hormone levels in the brain.Here’s my favorite quote:

“Women have never been as interesting as they are now” not at any time on this planet have women been so educated, so interesting, so capable…If there was ever a time in human evolution when we have the opportunity to make good marriages, that time is now.”

I fell in love with this fairy tale story with an entrepreneurial twist. It strikes me as being the perfect screenplay for a movie. It has romance, suspense, good food, and history. I love stories and writing them is my favorite. Also, I’ve only been to this restaurant one time but it really was romantic and the food is incredible.

If I thought I could make it I’d get my old job back at the flower shop and support myself doing it, I would. Then I’d blog about the stories people tell about their lives. People have reasons to buy flowers and that year in college made me wish I was a columnist. Now I wish I could make a movie.

It starts in 1920 with a love story about a man who built a cabin for his wife for their anniversary. It was built in the trees of Salt Lake’s Mill Creek Canyon and aptly named “Log Haven.” It was a place to discuss ideas and for the couple to spend summers.

At one point the property was turned into a restaurant, then in the 1980s it was in such disrepair that it was condemned. And that’s where the love story picks up again. Then a woman named Margo Provost got involved. She was a newlywed and in love. Her husband had seen the place and suggested she revive it. She quit her high paying executive job and without any experience in the restaurant industry, went to work.

It was more difficult than she imagined. The general contractor got hepatitis and she didn’t get financing she hoped for. She sold her houses, her cars, ran up her credit cards, and dipped into her retirement. And in 1994 she reopened the Log Haven restaurant, and the story continues. The restaurant and Provost continue to win awards meanwhile it’s still sought out by people in love.

Last year I attended Vivace two Vivace events. It’s a group of 20-40somethings who sit together, party and and network together at Utah Symphony concerts. It’s a great win/win for all because the symphony reaches younger audiences and people get exposure to the arts. Also, the symphony discounts tickets which draws people who may not otherwise attend.

Learn more: www.utahsymphonyopera.org/vivace | www.myspace.com/life_funkified

I recently read some stats on the group that may convince more single men to attend. There are about 1,000 members. The bulk of the membership is from 25-30 or 45-40 years old. 68.4% are women and 57.9% are single and most have incomes from $40-50K+. They’re also educated too: 42.1% have a college degree and 36.8% of Vivace have a post graduate or professional degree.

So, what are you waiting for? It’s a good way to meet women and most don’t come with a date. You can grab some food at the after-concert restaurant and chat it up some pretty amazing women. Best part is tickets run around $15 (don’t quote me on it, but I think that’s correct) and include the food. There’s a shuttle that takes you to the after-event party and many times the performers join in the fun.

Last night it was dinner with the misfit toys (oops, I was watching Rudolph too much). Wait, I mean my new brothers and sister. We’ve managed to cobble together a nice group and I cherish them. We’re starting to feel like family almost. That comfortableness is setting in and I like it. None of the men have been married and we’re all single near the holidays. While we’d like to be married, we’re not wallowing in our singleness.

After dinner we had a white elephant gift exchange. For some reason one participant brought two gifts. This is the second white elephant gift that was truly inspired (a story for another day). I chose the biggest box and unwrapped it. Inside I found a book and it was titled, “How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk.” And yes, it was inspired…because right before the dinner I had an interesting phone call.

My boyfriend of almost 3 months said he wasn’t coming to the dinner and the night before was a disaster so we had some discussing to do. It wasn’t going so well so I gave him an easy out. As in, if you want to end the relationship then end the relationship. He didn’t take it. Later in the conversation he admitted something that has obviously been on his mind for at least a month. He hates my hair, as in really hates it. He said it so forcefully I was standing outside in the cold and I could feel the tears start.

Let me back up. One day I was thumbing through one of those hairstyle books at a salon. I found a hip cut that was blonde and saucy. I decided the next time I wanted to blow a few hundred, I’d get that cut. I told my then boyfriend about it and he couldn’t get it out of his mind. Not only did he support the idea, he offered to pay for the whole thing, no matter what the cost. I thought it was a little early in the relationship for this kind of gift but he persisted until I gave in.

I chose a very expensive salon in Salt Lake since I thought I could trust them to do a good job. Boyfriend came along for part of the experience but then left. I’ll warn you now, don’t ever leave your credit card number with an expensive salon and say, give her what she needs and put it on my bill. The haircut and color alone came to $200. I was in the salon 4 hours. They loaded me up with product and billed it to my boyfriend. That made the total with tip over $400. I’m not kidding. Since he actually said he would pay up to $400 I thought I’d pay some of it and call it good.

However, my hair wasn’t the color in the picture. In fact, it was sort of orange. The salon owner, to her credit, called to tell me she wanted to redo the color. I agreed and spent four more hours the next week trying to come up with a better hue. I did have pictures and although the color did improve it wasn’t what I wanted. Not having 4 more hours to spend, I called it good enough.

The day I went to show the boyfriend my new hair is the day he just barely learned he’d lost his job. He wasn’t in good spirits at all. I very reluctantly told him how much it cost, felt absolutely horrible about it, and handed him some cash. And I took back half the product (that took guts!). I spent the rest of the day consoling him and after that suggesting cheap or free dates and pitching in. He had said he liked my hair, but it’s not true. He hates redheads and he insists I’m now one. Most people would call it blond with some strawberry blond highlights.

So that explains why suddenly he liked talking on the phone but didn’t seem excited to see each other. He really hated it that bad. I learned something too. As I looked over things I was first sad - for a day. But like usual, the sun came up this morning. I sat thinking about the whole thing and how for me, this was the last thing to break what was already showing several signs of not working out (lest you think this act of jerkiness was the only thing on my mind). Instead of being sad, I started to laugh. I laughed out loud for a while.

The book title said it - I avoided marrying a jerk. And I’m getting out of something that like my redish hair, doesn’t work. I’m single this Christmas but I’m also thankful. I could be married. I feel like this funny turn of events showed me what could’ve taken a lot longer to see and instead of tearing me up for a day - would’ve made for an unhappy life.  So if you know anyone who likes redheads, I’m back on the dating scene.