I have had a bad string online lately. I’m on an LDS dating site. I guess I assume we share similar values but it’s not always so. The last few chats start out the same way. The guy starts to say how attractive I am and the conversation quickly moves towards wanting to meet me. And other things. Each time I’m thinking, they are not really going to go there are they?? But they do.

Is it because I’m a single mom and they think that I’m lonely or desperate? Or maybe they’ll just try anyone who is willing to talk with them? I know it’s not just men, women can be the same way. I expect it on Match.com or other dating sites. I expect it some on any site. I’m just not expecting it so frequently on an LDS site. Call me naive, but it’s disheartening.

Please don’t send me suggestive pictures. Please don’t suggest that you, a perfect stranger, come to my house late at night. It’s not attractive. It’s hollow and shallow. I know there are plenty of quality singles who live the gospel. In fact, I have dated some. But for the first time in years, I wonder if I should try to meet people in real life and step away from internet dating.
What kind of experiences have you had with online dating?

I see this more and more. I think we live in a world that is easy to fake connectedness to other people, but tough to find it in real life. That’s because we text message, IM, and otherwise communicate and feel close. But we’re sitting at home alone!

Here’s how the cycle of loneliness goes:

1- Meet someone you like and start dating

2- Dating gets more serious and you spend almost all of your time together

3- Your friends stop inviting you to do things (assuming you had a social group before!) because you say no so you can spend time with your girlfriend/boyfriend

4- Your world gets smaller as your love meets most of your social and emotional needs

5- Something happens and you decide to break up

6- You miss them terribly because your life is now somewhat empty

7- It’s easier to go back to them than have the faith to start over rebuilding a social life (not a dating one, a group of friends)

8- You start a series of breaking up and getting back together…each time you feel lonely you call them or accept contact from them because it beats being lonely

9- You get stuck - some people stay essentially alone for months or years, not really ever taking responsibility or reaching out to build a network of close friends.

10- I think this is sad and we need to do deliberate things to overcome it.

Here are some ideas: don’t wait for someone else to do something, start right away by realizing it’s up to you to connect with others. It’s an important part of your life and health.

I joined a gym so I could hang out with other women when I exercise. I make it a point to talk to at least 2 people each time I go.

I’m organizing a Sunday singles dinner on fast Sundays for our ward. I’m pro actively trying to reach out to people that will be there regardless what happens in my dating life.

Commit to yourself to interact with others more often. Be specific and even if you don’t feel like doing something social, do it anyway. Be the first to say hello and be friendly. I love the book, “The Likability Factor” because it gives concrete ways that help you be more likable. The good news is the more liked you are the more success you’ll find in your personal and professional life.
Pray for ease and ideas when you feel stuck. Ask for help making new friends and for strength to move forward when you’re stuck in the past. Picture the apostle Peter walking on water then sinking and calling out for the Saviour. When you feel yourself start to sink, call to him.
I still haven’t been able to stomach going to single’s events…they just creep me out most of the time. However, institute classes are an exception. Since they are spiritually-based I know I’ll always get something out of it and there is not a pick up vibe there.

Does this ring true for anyone else? What have you done to move forward and break the loneliness cycle?

Tonight I did something difficult for me. Someone I’ve been out with twice asked me out again. He’s so kind to me and we have a good time together. However, the chemistry is just not there on a few important points (to me).

So rather than making excuses, ignoring him, or other ways to passively say I’m not interested in going out again, I told him. It wasn’t as bad as I feared. It wasn’t my favorite thing to do. He sounded disappointed but he was thankful for my honesty.

I almost always go out on two dates. Either I see another side of them and the interest grows, or it lessens. Carl Jung says the personalities of two people is like a chemical reaction that can transform both. There has to be an excitement to be together from both sides.
I’m still trying to get through breakup #12 from former long-term boyfriend, as in find what’s next. So I’m taking it easy on dating right now anyway.