Understanding and loving who you are is a huge part of finding happiness. I talked about my friend Ryan’s expression that he’d only be happy when he is married. I don’t want to completely discredit Ryan’s statement–much of your happiness and self-perception is influenced by those you date. But I want to take the thought a bit further beyond just dating someone. Here’s my little dating lesson for life: be careful who you date! I know from personal experience, the guys I date tend to influence my self-perception and happiness a lot more than I thought it would. Read on for first an example of how much worse my life was with one boyfriend. In the next installment I’ll tell you about someone who made my life better.

Over a year ago I met the most attractive Californian—tall, dark, handsome. He was fresh from his mission with stories of great glory and success: branch president, AP, etc. Added to that, he had charisma, intelligence…wow. So, much to my joy he took an active interest in pursuing me, and I was all for it. We got together, and within the week he was calling me his girlfriend. Just perfect right?

Well, I thought so at first, but then things started unraveling in a way that I didn’t expect. Before we’d been together much, I thought he was so spiritual and nice. But I found in all his charisma and light-heartedness, he’d often joke around with me, and sometimes it was hurtful. I recall being with him and spending many evenings just defending myself because he kept taking punches at my pride and mocking me. “All in good humor” there must be bounds to having fun at another’s expense, and he seemed to overstep them all the time. He was very opinionated and never wrong. Just ask him, never.

Besides belittling me, he often told me that I was irresistible—he just couldn’t get enough. Even though it was by no means a scandalous relationship, it was too much based on physical affection for me. I honestly would’ve preferred to hear that I was beautiful and respectable. I longed to be cherished instead of desired!

The glamour of the mission stories faded as we dated more, and Mr. “I’m always right” ended up being so wrong for me. Our fast and furious relationship ended just as quickly as it had begun; only lasting a few weeks.

So one key to happiness is to be careful who you date. The people you date, and who they really are will have an influence on you.