I dated another boy that was tall dark and handsome, but this is basically where the similarities to the first story ends. Goofy but sweet, he followed me around after we’d become acquainted, spending every evening just talking on my porch. Soon this boy and I were great friends which gradually turned into a little summer romance. He and I dated quite some time before we even kissed, and he never pressured me.

I remember one blistering summer afternoon he took me out to lunch on my work break. I had my hair pulled back in a nappy style and hadn’t had time to put on my makeup that morning. I was clean, but I certainly didn’t feel pretty, and I was a little blue over some problems with my car. This boy of mine didn’t probe me to find out what was the matter. He quietly held my hand and simply said, “You are so beautiful. No matter what, you will always be beautiful to me.”

I felt amazing then! He had a way of helping me see past the physical façade. That was just the way he was—simple but sincere. I wouldn’t trade all the suave tricks of the previous relationship for this experience. He made me feel so good about myself, not because he was flattering, but because he was a good person and inspired me to be the same.

So be careful who you date! They will affect you more than you know. It is important to be with someone that values you, but won’t it be so much easier for them to appreciate you if you appreciate yourself? Why should they be convinced that you are a great catch if you don’t believe it, too?

In conclusion, I believe that when you are firmly grounded in knowing who you are and enjoying what you do in life, you are in a position of stability. To be filled with love for another, you can’t have a bitter heart towards yourself.

Get your life straight first—don’t expect someone else to solve your problems for you. Greater happiness lies in the relationship of trust and love built from a healthy love of self that extends outward to love those around you. Be wise in your choice of companions, in friendship and dating, because they do have an effect on the way you view yourself, often times more than you think!

Understanding and loving who you are is a huge part of finding happiness. I talked about my friend Ryan’s expression that he’d only be happy when he is married. I don’t want to completely discredit Ryan’s statement–much of your happiness and self-perception is influenced by those you date. But I want to take the thought a bit further beyond just dating someone. Here’s my little dating lesson for life: be careful who you date! I know from personal experience, the guys I date tend to influence my self-perception and happiness a lot more than I thought it would. Read on for first an example of how much worse my life was with one boyfriend. In the next installment I’ll tell you about someone who made my life better.

Over a year ago I met the most attractive Californian—tall, dark, handsome. He was fresh from his mission with stories of great glory and success: branch president, AP, etc. Added to that, he had charisma, intelligence…wow. So, much to my joy he took an active interest in pursuing me, and I was all for it. We got together, and within the week he was calling me his girlfriend. Just perfect right?

Well, I thought so at first, but then things started unraveling in a way that I didn’t expect. Before we’d been together much, I thought he was so spiritual and nice. But I found in all his charisma and light-heartedness, he’d often joke around with me, and sometimes it was hurtful. I recall being with him and spending many evenings just defending myself because he kept taking punches at my pride and mocking me. “All in good humor” there must be bounds to having fun at another’s expense, and he seemed to overstep them all the time. He was very opinionated and never wrong. Just ask him, never.

Besides belittling me, he often told me that I was irresistible—he just couldn’t get enough. Even though it was by no means a scandalous relationship, it was too much based on physical affection for me. I honestly would’ve preferred to hear that I was beautiful and respectable. I longed to be cherished instead of desired!

The glamour of the mission stories faded as we dated more, and Mr. “I’m always right” ended up being so wrong for me. Our fast and furious relationship ended just as quickly as it had begun; only lasting a few weeks.

So one key to happiness is to be careful who you date. The people you date, and who they really are will have an influence on you.

Have you ever seen someone who dates and dates but never gets married, even though they have a lot of great options? They date the most amazing people but keep looking. They seem to have no problem finding another person to date. Sometimes they are looking for someone to complete them, and no one will ever be good enough. Why doesn’t that work? because completing you is YOUR job, not someone else’s. You’re the only one who can do it. And it’s a pretty important job (one best done primarily with help from God and friends, not those you date).

I recently attended Landmark Forum and it was a great course in taking responsibility and having integrity in life: for yourself, your past, and your future. It was amazing. There are so many good books, classes, and resources for learning to take care of yourself. Most of us will spend a lot of our life single or be single at different times in life. Knowing that and taking responsibility for our own happiness regardless of our marital status will make a lot of difference in our quality of life.

I want to list a few lies that I hope you don’t believe. Feel free to agree or disagree and come up with your own:

• I’ll be happier when I’m married.
  At first and over the long term I do believe most people are happiest married. Part of that is because it teaches you to be less selfish. But mostly you’ll just have different problems than you did when you were single. When you’re married you’ll just have more ability to influence someone else’s happiness or misery. Why not practice being happy now?
• There is perfection out there - in looks, personality, income, spirituality, etc.
  I call this the Mormon Barbie doll approach. She’s got to have it all (in appearance) and be the next Relief Society president too. There’s the Ken version too. Real people are a mix of different traits.
• Married people never get lonely.
  Loneliness is part of being human and no one escapes it. Again, it’s up to you to reach out to other people and find connection. Loneliness is a warning that you need to get outside of yourself more.

This is the first installment of a few posts on enjoying being single. I really like what Melissa says and how she’s said it.

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Is single life a terminal illness? Or is it a sentencing to misery? I was talking with my friend, Ryan, recently, and he stated quite emphatically that he would only be happy once he had a girlfriend. I couldn’t help but feel pity for him. Happiness isn’t something that’s derived from another person; it’s something you obtain on your own. Single life is just as wonderful as you choose to make it!

So how can we be so happy single? At least three of my friends got married over Christmas break and three others announced their engagements. Are you curious what I announced? Nothing new as far as my relationship status, but instead I’ve formed a new idea of finding joy in the meantime.

I’ve been pondering lately what makes a good relationship work out—and I’ve seen that for me, much of it happens long before I even meet the guy. It’s what’s going on inside me! Healthy relationships start with a healthy view of self and the ideas and expectations one bring to a relationship.

Most important, singles must be happy before they get into a relationship, because real joy doesn’t just appear as a line-effect of dating. The reality is that sadly, many young adults like my friend Ryan struggle with being solo. Most of that is because they never learned to be happy as themselves. Self-actualization is just part of the process. It begins with understanding exactly who you are, and from there truly enjoying the person you’ve become.

The second step is self-appreciation and is where the hard stuff begins. What if you do understand yourself, but you don’t like what you see? More common than many would like to admit, this is the case. I think unhappy singles feel dissatisfied because they don’t like the person that’s represented in their mirror.

The truth is simple: whether single or taken, everyone still has bouts with insecurity, it just might be felt from a different angel. Another person greatly does influence, but there is no way they can change your self perception completely. This is a choice. You may choose to like or dislike yourself. I promise that this has much more to do with happiness than your involvement with another person.

Perry just sent a list of commonly asked questions regarding the Saturday
morning breakfasts.  Here they are, enjoy!

1.      What is the largest number of people that have been to one of the
breakfasts?  Answer:  somewhere between 25 and 30 people

2.      How many people usually go to the breakfasts?  Answer:  averages
about 8 people

3.      Are the breakfasts usually good?  Answer:  If you mean food - so far
it has been excellent.  If you mean the people and the conversation -
always.  ;-)

4.      When and where is the next breakfast?  Answer:  Saturday, January
13, 2007 at Market Street Grill, 48 West Market Street, SLC - see
http://www.gastronomyinc.com/msg/index.html

5.      What do you (meaning me) look like so we know who to look for when
we get to the restaurant?  Answer:  If you are looking for a Glamour Shot,
sorry, but none available.  But if you really need to know, you can browse
my firm’s website (www.batemanip.com <http://www.batemanip.com/> ), show up
to a breakfast, and let me know if I look better in picture or person.

Meet and enjoy lunch with other LDS singles. They start at 12:15 and rotate to different Salt Lake restaurants. I’ve never been to one but I’ve heard good things. Clark used to be in charge but he got married, so Andrew is running the show and he’s giving us adequate notice.
The group tends to be people from their late 20s to early 40s. If I go, I’ll give a report back. If you are a regular, let me know what it’s like. Hope to see you there!

Wednesday, January 3, 2007
Nordstrom Café
Nordstrom Crossroads Plaza level 3
50 South Main Street

Wednesday, January 10
Boston Deli
9 Exchange Place (approximately 350 S. Main)
www.bostondeli.com

Wednesday, January 17
Crown Burger
377 E. 200 South

Wednesday, January 24
Dodo
Gateway Mall.
152 S. 400 W.
www.thedodo.net

Wednesday, January 31
Noodles & Company
358 South 700 East
www.noodles.com/homepage.htm