Breaking Up Part Three - Decisiveness
I think I’m nicknaming this series the compassionate break-up. How to break up without breaking hearts. Paul first talked about communicating, then having patience, then setting appropriate boundaries.
This is the last installment about breaking up. Each time I talk to a former boyfriend he reminds me how I dumped him. Not once, but twice. I don’t think I do a very good job of it.
Here’s Paul’s take:
Decisiveness – The principle of decisiveness lies upon a very fine line, and is often a difficult concept to live. It’s not just being decisive in your decision to break off a relationship. It’s being decisive in allowing the other person find closure for themselves.
My friend Rachel is a great example of someone who has mastered the art of decisiveness.
She dated Jim for several years. When they finally decided to end the relationship it was quite difficult for both sides. Rachel felt strongly that even though she cared for Jim it wasn’t right. However, Jim didn’t feel the same way, he wanted very much to marry Rachel.
As they worked through their break up Rachel was very firm in her convictions, and would not budge on what she felt. Yet, Rachel told Jim that even though she wouldn’t call or email him that she wouldn’t put these same restrictions on him. If he felt he needed to talk to her she would listen.
This may sound like a double standard. But I believe Rachel understood that just closing herself off to Jim after several years of being close may cause more damage than help. Obviously, this principle of decisiveness only works in healthy relationships. Rachel knew Jim well enough that she wasn’t worried about him abusing this offer.
Rachel has since told me that Jim has talked to her only twice since they broke it off. He is now dating and seeing someone else.
Tip: When ending a relationship, you may be able to stay available to the other person on limited terms. This can help ease the transition as you separate.
The compassionate break-up sounds so great, but really is that possible? Someone WILL always be hurt and if your decisive about being decisive to let the other part still “talk email and pretty much carry on the relationship” aren’t you doing exactly what you DECIDED not to do-end the relationship? I guess I don’t really get this. I am not your average dating-drama girl but sounds like the girl is just not severing ties that probably ought to be. It sounds like her decision to be decisive and let him still try to get closure like a child trying to be wanned of a bottle. If he decides he needs to keep all communication lines open isn’t that making the situation worse? If I were trying to get rid of a guy I woudn’t encourage him to keep torturing himself. If he needs a little closure sure great, give it but in the long run the longer you wane THE HARDER it is. It just seems like the more honest and upfront you are at first the easier it is in the end. And as what every good mother wants for her son HOPEFULLY this guy will be able to grow up and be MAN about the situation. If you want to read more about why guys don’t succeed in dating, and the girls that help sabotage any hope they had at other relationships, see my post getdumpedhappilyguys online or hear me on satellite radio, at whyisaguylisteningtothisstationandnotthelocalsportsshow.
Candid, I meand Candisimons
Comment by CAndi SIMMONS — January 8, 2008 @ 3:03 am
Why is the time stamp on this way off?
Comment by CAndi SIMMONS — January 8, 2008 @ 3:05 am
Will someone please tell Paul Wilson that though he can sky dive he can’t understand women no matter how hard he tries. I mean really if ten guys voted if they wanted a smooth clear cut or a long slow process when it comes to breaking up, what are most going to choose. He probably just thought there was still hope. False hope given on anyone’s part is well, wrong-right? I was talking to my friend the other day-she married when she was 34 but if you look at her you would guess that she probably had chances from ten on up, she is beautiful. I didn’t ever see her playing around with guys emotions, she was real and when she was ready to get married. She met a guy while watching Monday Night Football with friends and asked him out the next week to a Chicago Bulls/ Jazz game. Now twelve years later and two kids that are currently playing on their high school’s basketball team, she is living a life that she probably dreamed of, but didn’t get by running out and trying to coarse every guy into her. She was real and did things, until she found a guy that was cool enough for her- and he turned out to be a returned missionary and serves almost flawlessly as Elders Quorum President while this beautiful woman serves in the Young Woman. So there it is. It’s not all about telling stories that makes your story great in the end. It is about biding your time, being patient and having a little Hope!
Comment by CAndi SIMMONS — January 8, 2008 @ 3:21 am